Is This Feminist?

This woman is celebrating Halloween. IS THIS FEMINIST? Are you...

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 16:23:00 -0400

This woman is celebrating Halloween. IS THIS FEMINIST?

Are you kidding us? Halloween, in and of itself, is an appropriation of a day that carries deep significance for many people. No, we’re not talking about those weirdly insistent Wiccans who are like, “this holiday was STOLEN from us! It is called SAM-HAIN!” Which is weird, because that religion was invented in the 1950s by a British dude, and Halloween has been around since (we’re going to say) at least 1927, and for most of history “Samhain” was just the name of a nice quarterly farming festival with no religious significance other than “I sure hope pigs can pray, because this is the time of year when we make ham.” I mean, it’s mentioned in some Irish epics, but arguably that’s because if your society is so farming-centric that wealth is measured in cows, if you say “and this happened around the time when we kill the pigs for winter,” people will be like, “‘oh, right, late fall, sure.” Making that whole argument roughly analogous to a bunch of New Yorkers starting a religion and then claiming that the New York City Marathon has been regarded for millennia as a Door To The Underworld, because, look, it happens at the same time every year, and it was even mentioned on an episode of Seinfeld. (In this analogy, the New Yorkers also worship Elaine Benes.) That’s a little weird, but Wiccans are sweet people, and most of them acknowledge that historically the argument doesn’t hold up, and the insistent ones are just doing their thing, so don’t bother them, because, you know, different strokes. If it didn’t have religious significance before, it does now, so whatever.

No: We’re talking about ghosts. Every Halloween, millions of people maliciously and willfully exploit their “alive privilege” to “celebrate” Halloween, often by asking for foul corporate candy, completely ignorant of the fact that this is the one time of year when actual ghosts may prey on the sweet nectar of their fear and remind them that all glory shall fade when Death’s chill kiss claims us. Ah, no, there is no God, nor Gods, nor salvation, nor even release in death, only a faded twilight existence, and the gibbering terror beyond the walls of the world, and the dead… oh, no, the dead arise not for redemption, nor to comfort us with sweet lies of Heaven, but they arise filled with an unending rage. Their torment will never cease, for lo, they have passed through the veil and are condemned to walk the Earth forever, and you, mortal… well, you are alive. And they hate that. And they envy that. And they want that to change. They will claim you for their unholy ranks, sooner or later, for they know the great horror of nothingness, and will drag your soul with them to the Abyss only so that they may linger close to sweet warmth of your pounding human heart as it beats its last.

So, yeah. Nice costume, asshole. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is reading the Internet. IS THIS FEMINIST? …...

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 13:45:34 -0400

This woman is reading the Internet. IS THIS FEMINIST?

… Look. We just hate you, all right? We’ve been trying to hold it in and be polite about it for a while, at which we have clearly succeeded awesomely, and it’s not you, or, well, actually, it is you, because we hate you, but whenever we make you up in our minds and imagine you asking us a question, all we can think about is how much we fucking hate you and wish you would go away. You NEVER know what’s feminist. NEVER. You are ALWAYS asking us questions. ALWAYS. And we hate it. And we hate you. We just hate you so much.

Anyway, she’s probably reading something on Tumblr, or whatever? That seems pretty feminist. Feminists read things on Tumblr, don’t they? We get that general sense. So, uh, yeah. Seems fine to us.

The important thing to remember here is: We hate you. All that you are, and all that you think, and all that you feel, and all that you do: We personally, viscerally, constantly just FUCKING HATE IT. That’s why you should listen to us, and let us tell you what to do, to empower you. God knows, a pathetic piece of slime like you could never empower herself. You need us here — again, HATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, AT ALL TIMES — giving you detailed instructions, or else you’ll never be liberated from sexist oppression, you stupid piece of crap. Hate is the most feminist emotion. Especially when it’s directed at you, for some reason. God, you suck. PROBLEMATIC.

I mean, not this lady. This lady is REPRESENTING FEMINISM, for now. But you? PROBLEMATIC. Oh, yes, we went there.

This woman is taking a birth control pill. IS THIS...

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 10:01:00 -0400

This woman is taking a birth control pill. IS THIS FEMINIST?

Really? Really? You should know better than to ask that question. We just puked in our mouths a little, hearing you ask that question. That’s how much better you should know. We just e-mailed all of your friends to tell them you asked us that question and we puked in our mouths because you asked it and you promote eating disorders because no-one can hear your stupid voice coming out of your smelly face without puking. You love making people puke and your face smells like puke because you are a stupid smelly puke person. “Mleeh mee mleeeeh, I want you to throw up on everything!” That’s YOU.

Anyway, aside from the fact that the medical establishment is founded on suppressing women’s internal wisdom, best expressed by our uses of herbs and tinctures, the very phrase “birth control” is patriarchal to the core, in that its construction refers to medicine’s attempts to “control” human bodies and even Mother Nature herself. The preferred term is “menstrual assistance,” or “thing that when you put it in your mouth you don’t get pregnant, no, the other thing,” or, ideally, “super-duper ova pooper.” Not that any of this matters, because this woman is blatantly appropriating “not being pregnant” from women with real fertility problems. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is attending a concert for popular music of some...

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 14:07:37 -0400

This woman is attending a concert for popular music of some kind. IS THIS FEMINIST?

Seriously? You’re asking us this? Wow. This is a new low for you. We’re disappointed in you for even asking this question, made-up person that we imagined to be asking us this question. Really. Just disappointed.

For starters, aside from the fact that we can’t even see the band she’s listening to, this woman is clearly not accessing a computer or mobile device of any kind. This means she cannot possibly be checking the Feminism-Compliance In Music Codex, a database which clearly identifies the current chart positions, album and single titles, feminism-compliance levels, and permissible opinions to publicly hold about any musician who has sold over four records, or played on a particularly crowded subway platform. It is updated every sixteen hours, and all feminism affiliates are expected to check it at no later than 9:30 A.M. each day to claim one of that shift’s three feminism-compliant opinions, which can be done by logging in at… you guys, does she have the log-in? I don’t think she even has the log-in. This woman is clearly, recklessly, and negligently forming her own opinion about the music she is hearing. As we all know, forming, holding, or voicing an opinion without being certain that everyone in the surrounding area will approve of it is unforgivable behavior in a woman, as established, clearly, by feminism. Which she would know if she checked the Codex.

Also, that hand-gesture she’s making is deeply offensive to people who worship the Texas Longhorns. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is asking a question about the wage gap at the recent...

Sat, 20 Oct 2012 09:21:00 -0400

This woman is asking a question about the wage gap at the recent Presidential debate. IS THIS FEMINIST?

Seriously? SERIOUSLY???? We cannot believe you right now. This is the most anti-feminist thing we’ve literally ever seen in our lives. But at least this woman had the guts to admit it, in a recent interview in which she said that she cared about “women’s equality in the workforce,” “my reproductive rights,” and “[being] treated the same as anyone else.” She also said she was “absolutely not” a feminist, and clearly, she is right. No true feminist would so selfishly center herself in something as important as a Presidential debate, by standing up and asking the question she wanted to ask about an issue she cared about without checking to see whether any of us wanted her to ask that particular question. Some of us didn’t even get to ask a question. For example, us. We wanted to ask about cats. Do the candidates like cats? Which one of them likes cats more? If the political parties were different animals, which one would be a cat? What if the next President were a cat? Wouldn’t that be adorable? Do you think he or she would wear a little suit to work? “My fellow Catmericans,” the cat would say, “This is President Cat speaking.” Oh, my gosh, that would be so funny. Which candidate, if elected President, promises to elect a cat President? Ours is really cute, we named it President Cat. In conclusion: These are the sorts of vital feminist questions that went neglected due to this woman’s selfish focus on her own paycheck. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is poet and novelist Sylvia Plath, best known for The...

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 22:28:00 -0400

This woman is poet and novelist Sylvia Plath, best known for The Bell Jar and Ariel. IS THIS FEMINIST?

Divisive! Some people believe that Plath’s disastrous marriage to poet Ted Hughes, and her subsequent suicide, make her an emblematic figure: A talented, ambitious woman whose over-investment in a patriarchal false consciousness led her to rely on marriage, children, and domestic life as a means to attain self-worth. In the poems written after Hughes abandoned her, such as “The Applicant” and “Daddy,” they see a liberating, if self-immolating, rage: A final realization that the sacrifices she had made for Hughes (typing his poems, being shamed into sewing his buttons, tolerating his flirtations with young female students, etc) and her obedience to patriarchal ideals of femininity had not protected her, that she had been cheated in some fundamental way. Others believe that this is an over-romanticized view of Plath’s lifelong struggle with her mental illness, that it relies on a simplistic view of what was ultimately a deeply complicated relationship between two flawed people, and that it ultimately does little more than to glorify female self-destruction, which cannot be a feminist project.

All of these people are wrong. In fact, Plath betrayed feminism, by the act of writing. Writing is inherently elitist and hierarchical; the “writer” is allowed the frankly unfair and dictatorial power of “choosing” which “words” to use in order to convey “meaning.” In every sentence, the writer systematically excludes millions of words by purposely not putting them in that sentence. When asked for a rationale for this exclusionary policy, some writers even assert that the words they chose were simply “better” for their purposes. “Better?” Obviously, any true feminist understands that purple growth beam flames turducken. Boat! Boat, raygun three, phlbbbt. PROBLEMATIC.

These women are attending a wedding. IS THIS FEMINIST? Getting...

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 09:34:00 -0400

These women are attending a wedding. IS THIS FEMINIST?

Getting together to celebrate the preeminent institution of patriarchal oppression for all of human history, just because you want an excuse to wear your shoes that are too fancy for ordinary nights out? The shoes that are, in and of themselves, little instruments of high-heeled torture designed to remind women with every step that they are second class citizens? PROBLEMATIC.

But go anyway, because you want your friends to be happy, and frankly, those shoes are awesome.

This woman is apologizing for using an offensive word in her...

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 19:18:13 -0400

This woman is apologizing for using an offensive word in her youth. IS THIS FEMINIST?

Absolutely not. Real feminists come out of the womb quoting bell hooks, and come complete with a force field that keeps them from absorbing negative cultural ideas. Indeed, feminist theory and analysis are irrelevant to personal growth because real feminists are born perfectly politically correct and never need to learn and grow. We just write those analyses for fun; they certainly aren’t there to educate. Everyone should always be treated like who they were at their worst moment. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is flirting with a man. IS THIS FEMINIST? Oh God, the...

Sat, 26 May 2012 11:27:00 -0400

This woman is flirting with a man. IS THIS FEMINIST?

Oh God, the red flags! To enjoy flirting is to bask in your own privilege over those who are less experienced or socially secure than you. To make it worse, this woman’s choice of a flirting partner couldn’t be more problematic. She’s expressing a preference here for his sartorial and grooming choices that indicate understated masculinity. Having such preferences is the worst form of gender policing and culturally oppressive to men who prefer a little more bling.

In general, feeling—much less having—attraction necessarily excludes those for whom you don’t feel attraction. Best to avoid it altogether. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is giving you a thumbs up. IS THIS FEMINIST? TRIGGER...

Fri, 18 May 2012 13:02:00 -0400

This woman is giving you a thumbs up. IS THIS FEMINIST?

TRIGGER WARNING. The “thumbs up” is the most phallocentric gesture imaginable. You are literally telling someone that a good job is the equivalent of growing a penis. In this case, two penises.

Additionally, this kind of casual congratulation has been known to put the recipient in a good mood, which can lead to entire minutes of complacency about their own privilege. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is shaking hands with a new acquaintance. IS THIS...

Fri, 18 May 2012 12:39:04 -0400

This woman is shaking hands with a new acquaintance. IS THIS FEMINIST?

Tough to say. Good form, good eye contact, retaining a respectful distance, everything looks feminist so far, but… sorry. We’re getting really distracted. Who is the other person in the picture? Right there, in the right-hand end of the frame. In the beige jacket. Is that… is that a DUDE??? It is! It totally is.

Sorry, but this is just completely inappropriate. Around here, we only judge women based on whether or not they’re sufficiently advancing the cause of feminism. This woman is clearly taunting us. In fact, she seems to be insinuating that by turning feminism’s gaze solely onto women’s personal lives and failing to challenge male privilege or structural injustice, we’ve created an insidious expression of our own internalized sexism, transforming it into yet another cultural tool for judging individual women harshly, thus furthering a climate in which women are encouraged to view each other as “competition” and police each other’s behaviors or emotions, gaining illusory self-esteem only by perpetuating the very behavior that has created their own insecurity. Well, screw you, too, lady! Who are you to judge us? Who are any of us to judge any of us, in this messed-up world we live in? You don’t even know us. God. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is selling tampons. IS THIS FEMINIST? While the...

Thu, 17 May 2012 12:45:02 -0400

This woman is selling tampons. IS THIS FEMINIST?

While the creation of any kind of trash is beyond reprehensible to feminism, the kind of trash that you need a uterus to produce is quadruply troubling, because uterus-havers really should know better. I can’t even believe you asked this question in sincerity. Feminists are permitted Diva Cups, used rags that are rewashed by hand, or just bleeding down their legs as we imagine our matriarchal ancestors did. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is listening to music on headphones. IS THIS...

Thu, 17 May 2012 11:45:00 -0400

This woman is listening to music on headphones. IS THIS FEMINIST?

To be clear, there’s nothing inherently problematic about music, which many believe is an interest that started in the pre-patriarchal era when ancient people beat drums while contemplating the Venus de Willendorf. But we have to ask why this woman is using headphones, essentially cutting out her listening choices from the community. Being private about our musical choices makes it easier to listen to everything from misogynist rap music to douche-y sexist indie bands like Modest Mouse. It would be better if she opened her taste up to accountability. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is doing science. IS THIS...

Wed, 16 May 2012 13:56:30 -0400

This woman is doing science. IS THIS FEMINIST?

“Science,” as a narrative of knowledge, prizes a phallocentric adherence to logic and mastery, breaking things down into discrete parts and seeking to name and control their interactions, rather than viewing them as an intuitively connected, interdisciplinary, feminine whole. This woman is adopting and reinforcing a masculine-supremacist view of intelligence which encourages women to rely on externally defined “facts” and academic credentials, rather than heeding their own inner wisdom. A true feminist simply knows the cure for Alzheimer’s disease, possibly because it’s yoga. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is texting a friend about her date. IS THIS...

Wed, 16 May 2012 11:19:00 -0400

This woman is texting a friend about her date. IS THIS FEMINIST?

Frankly, it’s appalling that you think we might endorse antiquated, stereotypically feminine behavior like “texting your friends about your dates,” or “telling your friends about your dates,” or “having friends.” However, this particular woman is texting her friend to say that her date was Zorgon, the All-Powerful, and that after their date he teleported her to a glowing void dimension in which there was no space nor time, only unlimited free wireless. So, we’re fine with it. This woman is REPRESENTING FEMINISM. For now.

This woman is doing laundry. IS THIS FEMINIST? No. As much as...

Tue, 15 May 2012 12:50:00 -0400

This woman is doing laundry. IS THIS FEMINIST?

No. As much as we admire the expression of real and legitimate anger, stemming from an unequal and sexist burden of housework based upon normative gender roles, we still can’t endorse just shoving the camera guy into the machine. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is watching a sporting event of some kind. IS THIS...

Tue, 15 May 2012 10:02:00 -0400

This woman is watching a sporting event of some kind. IS THIS FEMINIST?

No. The culture of sports is a sort of miniaturized warfare, which incites the individual to lose him- or herself in identification with his or her “team,” in a proto-nationalist fashion, making him or her complicit in an exercise of brutal, organized physical domination of the enemy “team.” Thus, sporting events create and support a patriarchal conception of “power-over” in which victory — and thus worth — is defined by physical domination and conquest of the Other. It’s still feminist to watch “Friday Night Lights,” though. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is acting in a play. IS THIS FEMINIST? Is she playing...

Mon, 14 May 2012 16:23:06 -0400

This woman is acting in a play. IS THIS FEMINIST?

Is she playing a character who is strong and flawless, so as not to allow for any sexist interpretations about the worthiness of all women, but also human and relatable? Until such a role is written, the best way to avoid sexism is not have female roles at all. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is drinking alone. IS THIS FEMINIST? Despair is...

Mon, 14 May 2012 15:19:00 -0400

This woman is drinking alone. IS THIS FEMINIST?

Despair is potentially feminist. However, the “lighting a romantic candle arrangement for oneself” factor betrays an over-investment in traditional models of romance and dating. Plus, if she works through that bottle too fast, all her shit’s going to be on fire. PROBLEMATIC.

This woman is riding two dolphins, in a magical moment of pure...

Mon, 14 May 2012 08:06:00 -0400

This woman is riding two dolphins, in a magical moment of pure joy, feeling like a mermaid princess surveying her kingdom in a glimmering sea chariot. IS THIS FEMINIST?

No. Feeling like a mermaid princess betrays an internalized ideological support of monarchy. Also, animals were not created to be our servants! Read “The Sexual Politics of Meat” some time! PROBLEMATIC.